I’d rather be on the stage than in the crowd.
People often assume I’d much rather be in a crowd (at the back, where no-one can see me) than on a stage (at the front, with everyone looking). It’s not the case though, and never has been for as long as I can remember.
If I’m centre stage then I’m there because I’ve been asked to be, or because I’ve assumed a role that needs doing and that no-one else has stepped up to do. In both cases it suggests I’m there to do something I’m probably quite good at, and doing things that I know I’m good at gives me confidence and relaxes me. Also, if I’m on a stage then I have control over what I’m there to do – I can start when I’m ready and influence how long I’m up there.
I dislike crowds because they are full of people I don’t know; with indiscriminate connections to each other that I don’t always understand. Crowds are best encountered from a position slightly to the outside (like on the stage), and they are quite hard to escape from once I’m in the middle of one. I find unexpected physical contact quite jarring, and the thought of there being people in between me and my escape route is one of my main anxiety triggers, which makes situations where I’m surrounded by people quite hard sometimes.
Crowds are scary. Give me a stage any day.